Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
