you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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