Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
