why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
