really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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