Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
