exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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