Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
