apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
