Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
