My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
