I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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