I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
