I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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