hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
