two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
