I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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