I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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