i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
