why im i the only drunk person in the library?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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