she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
