My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
