sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
