one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
why is half of my head shaved?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
