I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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