Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
