Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
