Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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