Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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