I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can I color on your dick again?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
