so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
