he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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