I haven't been this sober since birth.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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