why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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