i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
