Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
