my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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