he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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