operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
