you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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