My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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