I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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