I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
