the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
