your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
