At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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