yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
