yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
