dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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