why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
