Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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