Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
