You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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